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Whatever rings Mel's bells

Archive for September, 2012

Crazy girl

I’ve had a tough couple of weeks.  Adjusting to a set schedule, especially one that requires a constant resetting of my body clock, has really set me on one ear mentally.  Today (Or was it yesterday?  I can’t remember.) I realized how much it’s getting to me.

Realistically speaking, it makes perfect sense, since this comes on the heels of a summer of stress – both good and bad.  I flew pretty high for a while there, and when I fell…  Oh boy, was it a hard hit.  I’m still reeling from it, in fact, and every day it feels like it gets worse.  But I’ll survive it, just like I survive everything else.  Problem is that I really need to accommodate and account for the stressors in my life, rather than just try to shrug them off.  Water may run off a duck’s back, but I may not actually be a duck.  I may be a loofah.

Tonight I’m staying up all night.  Why?  Because I feel like it.  Because I can’t sleep, or at least I don’t feel like I can and I don’t want to try.  But as bad as this is for me mentally and physically, at least I went to breakfast with friends and then came home alone.  After all, I could have slutted it up with some random dude from Moondog’s, or texted a booty call to one of the couple options I have there.  Why didn’t I?  Well, when it comes down to it, I didn’t want to.  I don’t want to be that person who can’t be alone, who has to find solace in meaningless “connections” because the loneliness is too much to bear.  Fuck that.  (Yeah, yeah, I know.  I try to keep my language relatively clean.  But sometimes f-bombs must be dropped to provide a proper earth-shattering effect.  So please bear with me.)  Where was I?  Oh yeah, fuck meaningless last-minute hook-ups that only provide a temporary respite from the basic solitary existence I’m in right now.

Someday I won’t be here.  Someday I’m going to find a partner in crime; somebody who I can trust, and lean on, and who I know will always be there for me.  Somebody who I’m excited to come home and see at the end of the day, who sends little chills up my back when I see him/her, and who gets my motor running both with and without trying.  Somebody who’s worth the effort that a close relationship requires, and who thinks I’m worth the effort too.  And you know, as much as I like the couple of guys I’m seeing, they are not this person.  And if this person came along tomorrow, I’d have to let my current “friendlies” go, so that they can find their own match.  Not that I don’t like them, not that I don’t enjoy their company, but let’s face it; if I thought we’d work together in the long run I wouldn’t be lonely tonight, would I?  I’d be with one of them.

Yup, someday I’ll find that person (again) and I won’t have to be lonely.  But until then, I’m going to choose to continue this lonely, crappy, frustrating, depressing existence that I’m in right now.  It really sucks coming home to an empty home, but it would suck worse to be coming home to somebody I wish wasn’t there.  I’ve been there, and I don’t intend to go back.

Conventionality

I had a moment today, as I was leaving the pet store walking behind a happy couple with a toddler in their shopping cart, when I wished for a conventional life.

I wished for the normalcy of a 9-to-5-working husband and house with a white picket fence.  I wished for a moment of being like everyone else, with 2.4 kids and a dog and church on Sundays.  I wished for a firm place in the community, clear social expectations, and neatly defined behavioral roles.

For just a moment there, I really wished I could sink into apathy and mediocrity and just be part of the faceless masses.

Then I shook my head and decided I’m going on tour next summer as a solo act.  If Gumby’s not still around, I can just rehome Princess and put all my stuff in storage, you know.  Have to give up my waterfront view, but I’d get to see a lot more of the country from the road.  And I bet I’d get a whole lot of songs written, too.

Onwardo.